Knockers Vs Eridge

Lose :: Played on Sunday 15th August 2021

Knockers
129-10

Eridge
130-6

Match Report

An eventful match to mark Oli Boreham’s 100th game for the club. Eridge chased down a modest total at Bitchet Green but not without Knockers making them work for it. Cricket unenthusiast, Tamara Boreham, faced more balls than her husband and, if truth be told, around 25% of the team.

With Eridge’s ground under repair, Bitchet Green was hired. They still managed to beat most of us to the ground, including captain Ollie Marsh who had to practise his wedding vowels at warp speed only to arrive to find his tardy team all changed and armed with sorry tales of losing the toss. We hadn’t, but early preparations proved vital as Eridge were about to run through our batting having talked us up five overs to a 35 over game. The memo didn’t reach the team.

Ted and Oli, the latter bedecked in a new but ungenerous centenary shirt, went out on a green and generously thatched pitch and faced Ellis and J Pooley less than generously hooping it under cloudy skies. Ted’s only advice to Oli was to “watch it”. He duly watched it go under his bat in the first of many Yorkers, Ellis getting the first in.

Lawrence faired better early on while Ted slapped away full tosses when Eridge strayed from their full length plan. Alas Loz became Ellis’ second yorked victim, bringing George to the crease, a man forged on tour - could he dance on the wicket as well as he had at Newport’s premier nightclub? He briefly stopped the rot, adding a rare boundary before the scorer considered carving out a stamp to save having to write “bowled Ellis” - another Yorker.

Harry’s strike rate outweighed his longevity as J Pooley joined in the Yorker fest causing Knockers eyes to turn once again to Snellers for inspiration…or at least to where Paul should have been as the Knockers legend bided his time in the toilet having pushed two teammates up the order to accommodate.

Ted and Paul set about bringing some dignity to proceedings and took us away from 34-4 in the tenth over with a 29-run partnership ended by Ted picking out the reliable Forbes in the covers. It was back to plan A for Knockers with Eridge’s first change quite happy to bowl on the full, Mitch fell next ball, yorked and Scott wandered out for the hat trick ball. He survived but edged to slip two balls later as a drop that decided to lodge between calf and thigh long enough to be taken second attempt sent him packing.

Ziggy then set-up shop as he and Snellers put on a further twenty runs. The outfield was about as generous as Eridge’s bowling and Ziggy began to question his 5am bedtime match-prep with Snellers lapping him. Alas Snellers got on one early and chipped to mid wicket. Marshy strolled out armed with his best array of defensive shots which would of course give way to ramp attempts. Just as it was beginning to get towards a score that brought our healthy bowling options into a match category of “optimistic”, a huge six from Ollie to cow was followed by one through the gate. It was however a face-saving 41-run partnership for the ninth wicket, our third-highest on record for a penultimate pair.

Enter Tamara, prepared for action by doting/desperate (delete as appropriate) husband. Whites were forsaken by jeans freshly imported from New York, a Knockers baggy plonked on head and a set of leg guards big enough to reach her belt but not large enough to disguise a pair of loafers. She lasted six balls, having survived the last ball of one over and called for a single by Ziggy first ball of the next - Lynden would have been proud of such shithousery to protect an average. 129-10 off 30 overs - we should have stuck to the 30-over plan.

Tea was its current covid-curtailed affair, only the Borehams making a non-petrol garage purchased effort. Fielding practise became preferable for some. Oli pondered 25 years as a Knocker while Tamara abandoned him to his fate in a very Guido-esque swerve of fielding duties.

George opened and after an over to find his line, combined well with Ollie to show Eridge it wouldn’t be plain sailing. After fourteen overs, Eridge were 38-2. Fever broke through first, trapping a useful Utting LBW while Thorpe finally succumbed to Marshy on his last ball as Ollie resorted to off spin in an effort to stop the ball swinging. Marsh had sent down seven overs for four runs with Thorpe facing 37 balls for his single contribution to the score.

First change went to Ted and Ziggy. Ted bowled Goldsmith with a ball he ranked as one of his worst and a second maiden followed as Ziggy helped turn the screws. Ted gave way early to Lawrence and he (fourth-best headband in place for the occasion) and Ziggy posed all sorts of problems to Eridge’s middle order. Zigzag bowled Caly and soon after Loz induced an edge from Cummings that Boreham pouched. Eridge were now 82-5 from 25 overs.

Ziggy got a double-bounce LBW go his way to make it 105-6 in the 28th before giving way to a returning Ted. Lawrence continued to scare the life out of the batsmen at the other end as his figures would ultimately end on 5-0-4-1. Ted got Pooley to snick off with Boreham’s one handed take a particular highlight of the match. At 110-7 off 30 overs it began to look possible.

Unfortunately, Ellis shook off early nerves to hit fourteen from one over and Eridge were all but home by the time Scott gave them an untroubling couple of balls to finish things off in the 33rd over. Decent effort with the ball and with ten in the field as well as a solid attendance at the White Hart afterwards. Congratulations, Oli Boreham. Mrs Boreham’s protests at you disappearing for eight hours of a Sunday might also have a little less edge of imminent divorce about it in the future.

 

Batting

Batsman	How Out	4s	6s	Runs
Ted Marsh	caught	6	0	33
Oli Boreham	bowled	0	0	1
Lawrence Mayne	bowled	0	0	3
George Randell	bowled	1	0	7
Harry George	bowled	1	0	5
Paul Seldon	caught	4	0	26
John Mitchell	bowled	0	0	0
Scott Landers	caught	0	0	0
David Bowen	not out	1	0	13
Ollie Marsh	bowled	1	1	24
Tamara Boreham	bowled	0	0	0

 

Bowling

Bowler	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts
George Randell	7.0	0	34	1
Ollie Marsh	7.0	4	4	1
Ted Marsh	6.0	1	31	2
David Bowen	7.0	1	39	2
Lawrence Mayne	5.0	0	4	1
Scott Landers	0.2	0	2	0