Knockers Vs Shoreham & Otford

Win :: Played on Sunday 6th June 2021

Knockers
124-10

Shoreham & Otford
67-10

Match Report

On an overcast and muggy afternoon in the picturesque Darent valley, Knockers secured a first win of the 2021 season against Shoreham & Otford. What appears to be a comfortable 57-run win on paper masks the reality of a dichotomous afternoon of sublime and ridiculous chaos normally only seen in Renaissance masterpieces.

Stand-in captain for the day Rory “the Marsh regime of tyranny is over” Goodson strode out to represent Knockers in the negotiations at the toss. It was a ceremonial toss as the tossed coin did not land on the pitch – instead it somehow landed inside and down the back of Rory “heads we bat, tails you bowl” Goodson’s shirt. Undeterred by the cloudy conditions and a lush green grassy pitch with a Lords-esque slope running across it, and despite promises of implementing a revolutionary new management style, the stand-in skipper cited legal precedent and inserted Knockers to bat first.

Ziggy and Oli Boreham opened the batting for Knockers and the pitch immediately proved itself to be a bowling deck. Ziggy took one ball to note the highly variable bounce and favourable swing/seam conditions and then tried to run himself out off the second ball of the innings. He had trudged halfway back to the pavilion before realising he hadn’t actually been given out, and so reluctantly returned to the middle. Boundary hitting was tough going with tight bowling from Shoreham and a slow outfield. Boreham especially struggled with the cardiovascular stress of regularly running ones and twos. After finally finding the fence with some lusty blows, he skied one to mid-off for a hard-earned 21. Ziggy (6) was out in the following over, trapped LBW by a straight ball that kept low.

Seb Horner at three and Guy Howe at four were the new batsmen. Seb looked very comfortable at the crease, certainly more so than Guido who initially struggled with the guile of opening bowler Goose. During Goose’s final over Seb knocked the ball into the leg side, looking to rotate the strike. Guido, perhaps not wanting to face any further deliveries from a nemesis, firmly ensconced himself at the non-striker’s end and eventually declined Seb’s request for a run. Despite a desperate dive, Seb was short of his ground and run out for four. NB: no shoulders were broken in this dive for the crease.

Akhil Anand was next man in, and was quickly subjected to some head-height moon balls from Shoreham’s spinner. Having survived that barrage, he guided a delivery through the vacant slip region and set off for a run. Guido at the non-striker’s end barked that it was an easy two, and Akhil duly obliged. As Guido motored away from the danger end and the fielder collected the ball, it was quickly apparent Akhil would struggle to make his ground. Despite a desperate dive, Akhil was short of his ground and run out for six. NB: no shoulders were broken in this dive for the crease. Knockers at this stage were 66-4.

John Mitchell was the next unfortunate Knocker sent in to partner Guido at the crease. What followed was a new entry into Guido’s almost encyclopaedic catalogue of cricketing war wounds, and a passage of play that in all honesty could barely be called ‘cricket’. Off the aforementioned spinner, Guido scooped a delivery into the leg-side. As the ball gently ballooned into the air, Guido tried to race up to the other end. John had been enjoying his watching brief from the non-striker’s end but more importantly recognised that a quick single in this instance was suicidal, and so sent Guido back. Guido applied the handbrake in cricket shoes that weren’t robustly equipped for such a grassy wicket, slipped and hit the deck as if hiding and seeking cover from a sniper on the far side of the valley. Strewn across the wicket and halfway down the pitch, Guido scrambled to his feet to try to make his ground back at the striker’s end, slipping again as he did so. In the midst of this pandemonium, Guido’s gentle ballooning lob had returned to the Earth’s surface via a fumbling attempt of a catch from the Shoreham fielder. His throw at the stumps was wayward, leaving the keeper fumbling and scrambling to collect the ball. Guido was still well short of his ground as the keeper finally gathered the ball, so he put in a desperate and not-so-graceful dive to avoid being run out. The keeper also dived for the stumps but failed to remove the bails before Guido made his ground.

Unfortunately in his swan dive for the crease, Guido had landed with a thump on his delicate right shoulder. Laughter quickly subsided as subsequent yelps of pain echoed around the valley. Kindly tended to by an ex-Submariner from the oppo, Guido’s arm was put into a sling and he took the best medicine he could find in his bag of goodies: a ciggy. After a short while he was taken off to Sevenoaks Minor Injuries for x-rays, and peace returned to Shoreham village. Eulogies could be written about this moment but it is best encapsulated by Boreham’s astute summary – “a dot ball in the scorecard, and G.Howe retired hurt for 15”. Monday morning’s scans revealed a broken shoulder and medical proof of a chip on Guido’s shoulder.

With the patient removed from the warzone, Zach Hay joined John at the crease. They steadied the ship by keeping the score ticking off the dangerous bowling of Kirkbright, taking singles as if they were on a serene Sunday afternoon stroll. A particular highlight of Zach’s innings was an aerially lofted single over the infield, a shot that even drew commendation from Rory “my bat has never hit a ball that hard before” Goodson. Kirkbright eventually removed both Zach (4) and John (13), bringing Jonah Munday (13) and Knockers’ specialist number nine Hector Agnew (9) in to bat. Both brought impetus to the latter stages of the innings, especially Jonah who hit a few booming straight drives before he missed a straight one when trying to thump the ball into next valley.

After Hector played on for the second game in a row, the innings was seen out by Knockers’ specialist number ten George Randell (4) and specialist number eleven Rory “I don’t mind batting now the Grand Prix has finished” Goodson (3*). Both rotated the strike each ball they faced, with Rory “I nearly forgot to put my pads on” Goodson taking to his usual tactic of attacking-defence. His advancing down the pitch in a pre-adopted forward defensive stance before the ball had even been bowled proved extremely effective. The bowler had no choice but to resort to innovation, attempting unsuccessfully to bowl the Knockers number eleven by lobbing him as he rushed down the pitch. This partnership saw Knockers through to 124 all out off the full 35 overs, with the innings aptly capped off with George being run out off the final ball by Rory “it’s the first time I’ve lapped another batsman” Goodson.

A very respectable effort on a difficult surface to settle into, with Boreham (21) top scoring and a Mr W.Ides (16) earning his teas after getting the second highest score of the Knockers innings. Speaking of teas, an honourable munchtion needs to go to Jonah for his Feast of Champions: a large can of salt and vinegar Pringles and a pot of hummus. *Chef’s kiss*.

Once John had got a round of Lucozade Sports in for the boys, Knockers headed out into the field. Jonah opened the bowling alongside George, and they settled into dangerous and pacey spells that challenged the edges of both the opening batsmen. Runs were kept to a premium, leaving Rory “nothing is penetrating my perfect ring” Goodson to marvel at his own field setting. Jonah took the first two Shoreham wickets in his second over, the second of which was caught behind by a supreme diving catch by Boreham. It was a full-stretch horizontal dive to his right with an exquisite hang-time a salmon would be proud of, and after the first innings’ shenanigans it was a welcome return of skilful cricket. NB: no shoulders were broken in the taking of this catch.

George joined the party in the following over by bowling their dangerous looking keeper-batsman, finding the perfect spot on a length that kept the ball low and crashing into the stumps. He found the same spot again in his following over, with a similarly devastating consequence for the new batsman. At this juncture Guido returned from hospital wearing a bedraggled hospital gown over the top of his cricket whites, his arm still in a sling and with his chauffeur (his mother) in tow. After a quick bat raise to belatedly celebrate his scored of 15 (retired hurt) he disappeared off into the late-afternoon Kent sun.

Back on the pitch and into his fifth over, Jonah castled two more Shoreham batsman to leave him one wicket shy of his first ever five-fer. Not one for sentimentality, Rory “I’m captaining with real authority here” Goodson promptly gave both openers a breather and brought himself and the twirling wrists of Zach into the attack. Rory “I’ll let the openers do all the hard work and I’ll bring myself on to bowl at the tail” Goodson settled straight into a probing line and trapped their number nine LBW. Zach challenged the conventional wisdom of the day by occasionally declining to use the minefield of a pitch to his advantage; when he did land it his deliveries posed serious questions of Shoreham’s batsmen.

Hector was brought on after two Zach overs to bowl their hard-swinging number five, before Rory “this captaincy malarkey is easy” Goodson clinically took the remaining two Shoreham wickets including a very sharp gully catch from George; Shoreham all out for 67 in less than 16 overs. The bowling attack had to be excellent in order to take full advantage of the conditions, and they were superbly backed up in the field. A challenging game in a beautiful location played in very good spirits, although the Shoreham & Otford players who were subjected to Guido in his hospital gown at such close quarters might disagree. Onwards we march. Guido – mend well and see you on the pitch before long.

HA

 

Batting

Batsman	How Out	4s	6s	Runs
David Bowen	lbw	0	0	6
Oli Boreham	caught	1	0	21
Seb Horner	run out	0	0	4
Guy Howe	retired hurt	2	0	15
Akhil Anand	run out	0	0	6
John Mitchell	caught	0	0	13
Zac Hay	lbw	0	0	4
Jonah Munday	bowled	2	0	13
Hector Agnew	bowled	0	0	9
George Randell	run out	0	0	4
Rory Goodson	not out	0	0	3

 

Bowling

Bowler	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts
Jonah Munday	5.0	0	20	4
George Randell	5.0	0	16	2
Zac Hay	2.0	0	11	0
Rory Goodson	3.0	0	9	3
Hector Agnew	1.0	1	0	1