Knockers Vs Four Elms

Win :: Played on Sunday 6th August 2023

Knockers
178-6

Four Elms
148-9

Match Report

In what can only be described as a cricketing circus, the Knockers won the toss and confidently chose to bat first against Four Elms. The opening duo, Calver and Basham, seemed to be on fire, scoring at a blistering pace. However, their performance was short-lived as they were both sent packing by the tidy opener who seemed to have a magical ability to knock the stumps over with ease.

Enter the star of the show, Bowen. With an eye on an England test spot, he settled in with the kind of determination that suggested he was prepared to play all five days of a test match in one innings. His approach might not have been the most thrilling, but he was certainly making a claim for the most patient cricketer in the world. His 55 off 95 balls felt like a marathon, leaving the spectators contemplating whether they should start training for a marathon themselves during the innings break.

Landers, on the other hand, looked like he had spent the morning pumping iron at the gym. With muscles bulging and veins popping, he played some powerful shots that sent the ball scurrying to the boundary. Meanwhile, poor Mitchell seemed to have forgotten that cricket was a game where runs were meant to be scored. His stubbornness to not score a single run off 22 balls left the crowd wondering if he was auditioning for a new role as a human wall on the field.

Amidst all the action, Brettle, the man with the nickname "Kettle," stole the spotlight with his entertaining performance. His 14 off 10 balls included a mammoth six that he will undoubtedly be dining off for years, retelling the tale of how he sent the ball into orbit with a swing that would make a lumberjack proud. And not to be outdone, Gibbs, with his chiseled features and charm, made everyone's heart skip a beat as he graced the field looking even more handsome than he did two years ago at the same ground.

But the true revelation of the day was E Marsh, the wrecking ball in the middle order. His brutal assault on the opposition left the bowlers contemplating their life choices. With shots that defied the laws of gravity, he managed to play some illegally good ramps that had the umpires reaching for their rule books, wondering if they should penalize him for sheer audacity.

After an eventful innings, the teams retired to the pavilion for tea, where the spread was a feast fit for kings. However, amidst the sea of delicacies, the poor chocolate cake found itself in the unfortunate position of being overshadowed and neglected, like the sidekick in a superhero movie.

As the players resumed their positions, Four Elms faced the daunting task of chasing down the target set by the entertaining Knockers. O Marsh, charging down the hill like a runaway train, looked threatening, but seemed to have a love-hate relationship with the bowling crease. His no-ball count exceeded his legal deliveries, leading the fielding side to wonder if he was playing a game of "dodge the line" instead of cricket.

S Horner, meanwhile, bowled with such tidy accuracy that the batsmen struggled to find gaps in the field. Unfortunately for him, the wickets seemed to be playing hard to get, and he was left with the "best bowler without a wicket" tag, much to his dismay.

E Marsh continued to showcase his versatility, using slower balls to keep the batsmen on their toes, or rather, on their heels. Every ball seemed to be a surprise package, leaving the batsmen as confused as a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

But the true entertainer was D Bowen, the master of unpredictability. His variable bowling had the batsmen doing the hokey-pokey with their feet, trying to figure out which way the ball would turn or swing. Four Elms fell victim to his antics, with four key wickets being caught on the hoik - a dismissal that will surely be etched in cricketing folklore.

In the midst of the chaos, N Dave, R Calver, W Brettle (the "Kettle"), and A Gibbs chipped in with their assortment of "licorice allsorts" bowling to make up the numbers. Their assortment of deliveries had the batsmen wondering if they had wandered into a cricket match or a candy store.

And then came the moment that will be recounted with glee for years to come - Calver getting a 9-year-old batsman out. The little cricketer might have mistaken Calver for the friendly neighborhood coach, but the seasoned campaigner showed no mercy, sending the child prodigy back to the pavilion.

Brettle, the "Kettle," took over the bowling duties with a fiery spell that had the batsmen scrambling for cover. His bombs landed with such ferocity that the fielders took cover behind the boundary ropes, and the umpires had to keep an eye out for stray fireworks on the field.

As the match approached its climax, Gibbs found himself nervously glancing at the scoreboard. With 36 runs needed off the last over, he was in for the ultimate test of nerves. After being spanked for a boundary in the last over, he looked like he had seen a ghost, wondering if his team's lead was about to slip away.

But in the end, the Knockers emerged victorious, winning by a comfortable 31-run margin, taking seven catches. Amidst the laughter, absurd dismissals, and moments of cricketing brilliance, it was clear that this match would be remembered for its humour and entertainment value. The fans and players alike left the ground with smiles on their faces, knowing that they had witnessed a cricketing spectacle like no other.

RC

 

Batting

Batsman	How Out	4s	6s	Runs
Richard Calver	bowled	1	0	12
Alistair Basham	bowled	2	0	19
David Bowen	not out	4	0	55
Matt Landers	bowled	2	0	15
John Mitchell	bowled	0	0	0
Will Brettle	bowled	1	1	14
Alfie Gibbs	caught	1	0	12
Ted Marsh	not out	3	2	38
Seb Horner	dnb	0	0	0
Neil Dave	dnb	0	0	0
Ollie Marsh	dnb	0	0	0

 

Bowling

Bowler	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts
Ollie Marsh	7.0	0	19	3
Seb Horner	7.0	0	32	0
Ted Marsh	5.0	0	25	0
David Bowen	5.0	0	29	4
Neil Dave	4.0	0	22	1
Richard Calver	3.0	1	7	1
Will Brettle	1.0	0	1	0
Alistair Basham	2.0	1	6	0
Alfie Gibbs	1.0	0	5	0