Knockers Vs Old Oaks

Win :: Played on Friday 4th July 2025

Old Oaks
142-5

Knockers
143-5

Match Report

Good things come to those who wait? Patience is a virtue? Not when it comes to JT-authored Knockers match reports - strap in for some mediocre banter and hazy recollections of last Friday’s game at The Vine, in honour of Trouncey, against Old Oaks.

Guido wins the toss in sunny Sevenoaks. Great start. He chooses to field. Bold. As he gives his team talk, he realises he has no Marsh, one bowler, and 9 players. Knockers off to a flyer.

Cobby and Billings, usually two top order batsmen, opened the bowling and kept it tighter than Cobby’s wallet at the bar. The ball was then thrown to JT who turned up with the kind of confidence that suggested he’s never dropped a catch in his life. He has. And he did again - in the first over of his own bowling. Next over? Redemption - The opener skied it, Boreham pouched it - a Summer miracle. Then chaos ensued. Guido and the Old Oaks chairman - presumably suffering from sunstroke - declared the previous ball a no-ball, awarded the batter a retrospective free hit and called him back. Yes, they invented a rule. The catch was disallowed and Boreham engaged in a verbal assault for the next 90 minutes that Frankie Boyle would’ve been proud of.

Enter Kuts as Knockers looked for some control - Game on as he quickly cleaned up two batsmen like he was Marie Kondo. Guido was setting the tone in the field, diving for a ball at a ground where his last two pieces of fielding had resulted in a broken shoulder and broken ribs. That’s what the game means to him. Still went for 4 though. A wicket for James Mitchell at the other end with Landers taking a cracking catch at square leg, and Old Oaks resorted to blocking him and Kuts out like they were Guido’s Twitter feed.

Wiggs was thrown the ball next, which is weird, because he's usually a keeper. But hey, never doubt Guido’s cricketing intellect as Wiggs picked up two wickets, swiping stumps like he was back in his hinge heyday. He should’ve had three, but a clear edge to Boreham wasn’t heard by the relevant authorities on the pitch. This author can only presume the nick was so loud, the umpire assumed it was a passing HGV.

The Prof came on to tempt the oppo with loopier deliveries than a Reddit conspiracy thread. Balls went up, runs came down, and Old Oaks finished on 142-5 off 18 overs - a good score.

A quick turnaround and Boreham and JT strode out to open the innings. Boreham strode back one ball later, keen to watch 'that lovely girl Emma Raducanu' with a pint at the bar. Billings was quickly into his stride, sending one six so big it qualified for air miles, before ramping for 4. With both approaching 25, “6 and out” was the aim - Billings was superbly held at long on, while JT was caught at deep square by his mate, Wiggs, loaned to the oppo. That’ll teach him for asking Wiggs to drive down to Kent to field for 36 overs on a Friday evening.

James Mitchell came next with the shot of the day, creaming a cover drive for 4 and falling shortly after. Enter the classy duo of Cobby and Snellers, stroking the ball around like a prime Bonnie Blue. Both quickly reached 25* and retired, seemingly having put the game to bed.

Then came the incident. Howe had walked out with supreme confidence given the position he had guided his team to and ate up a few balls to get off the mark. Unfortunately, he hadn’t accounted for Boreham as umpire at the other end. A man concerned about the team’s slowing run rate, and with the self-control of a raccoon in a bin of leftover chicken, Boreham raised his finger to trigger Howe on a ball that had hit him somewhere between spleen and ribs. 'For the greater good' came the explanation.

The rest, as they say, is history. Landers and Wiggs combined aggressive stroke play and assuredness to close out the game. Dealing only in boundaries, 2 one-bounce fours led to a Knockers victory, ending a run of Trounce trophy defeats. Commemoration speeches were given and a bbq was had after contributions from all 11 Knockers. Just don’t get Howe started on that LBW decision.

 

Batting

Batsman	How Out	4s	6s	Runs
Oli Boreham	caught	0	0	0
James Thompson	caught	2	0	21
Tom Billings	dnb	3	1	24
James Mitchell	caught	1	0	8
Tom Cobb	not out	2	0	25
Paul Seldon	not out	3	0	28
Guy Howe	lbw	0	0	1
Matt Landers	caught	3	0	17
Tom Wigglesworth	not out	3	0	15
Christian Kutner	not out	0	0	3
John Mitchell	dnb	0	0	0

 

Bowling

Bowler	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts
Tom Cobb	3.0	0	20	0
Tom Billings	3.0	0	25	0
James Thompson	2.0	0	18	0
Tom Wigglesworth	3.0	0	22	2
James Mitchell	2.0	0	18	1
Christian Kutner	3.0	0	8	2
John Mitchell	2.0	0	29	0