Knockers Vs Newenden

Lose :: Played on Sunday 13th July 2025

Newenden
264-4

Knockers
180-9

Match Report

Match Report (Or: The Glorious Futility of Losing a Game of Sunday Cricket)

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Newenden
Rode the Knockers IX (eventually X).

Perhaps it was friendly cricket that Tennyson had in mind when he penned these famous lines (quoted here completely verbatim). Is there anything other endeavour that is so pointless and so brilliant in equal measure?
If cricket is life in 70 overs, then this Sunday’s fixture represented all of the monumental efforts that regular people will go through to fight for what they believe in, and the total lack of guarantee that these struggles will be rewarded.

Perhaps no other story sums this up best than JT’s furious, hungover, cross-country drive down from a wedding in Warwick to Newenden, the very heart of Kent darkness. His arrival was heralded as a good omen, but sadly, it only came at 16:45, deep into tea, and far too late to relieve a beleaguered Knockers side, even with the two teenagers from the opposition who’d been forced to field for our entire bowling innings.

The assistance of the young ringers failed to enhance the fielding effort of our short-handed side. Although Matt, on wicket-keeping debut, kept tidily (the occasional vape the only visible difference between him and Ben Foakes), our out-fielding suffered dramatically in the heat, with no fewer than 9 dropped catches causing a wholehearted bowling effort to end up conceded an above-par 264-4.

Gabriel, skippering for the first time, failed to stem the flow of runs despite the odd funky field. CK busted a gut in a fierce six-over opening spell that yielded no return, and Mikey’s first-ball wicket – his first Knockers scalp, a dipping off-stump yorker – was his solitary dismissal of the day.
Neil’s spell at first change caused some early damage, with a pea-roller scuttling a well-set batter, but even his metronomic line and length took some tap from their middle-order dashers. Chris, on Knockers debut, steamed in for the first time in 20 years, recovering well after his first over was brutally dispatched, but it was truly the heart and accuracy of our two miserly death bowlers, Scott and Johnners, that saved us from staring down the barrel of a 300-run chase.

Even with the innings being reduced to 30 overs (due to too many balls being deposited into the nearby river), I’m sure that as we walked off, sweaty, with sore hands, there were some Knockers whose minds were beginning to veer towards asking why they had made the drive all the way down.
Fortunately, the good people of Newenden were there to allay their faltering spirits, delivering the one thing a village cricketer prizes above all else: the teas.

And what teas they were! A practically Michelin-starred spread had been laid out for us, with pulled pork bao buns accompanying roast beef sliders, prawn summer rolls being laid out next to mini crab cracker bowls, and most impressively of all, rows upon rows of home-made KFC-style fried chicken sandwiches - leagues better than the real thing.

This, by the way, in addition to all of the usual trappings of teas; delightful finger sandwiches, perfectly moist quiches, and a heavenly Victoria sponge. All were gorged alongside the veritable smorgasbord of gourmet hors d'oeuvre, and suddenly, all our cricketing woes were forgotten.

The joyful stupour we were all left in made the ensuing collapse feel like a dream. As the openers - Snellers and Gabriel - gave away their wickets looking to blaze some early boundaries, the boys in the shed applauded their efforts.
As Matt and JT - fresh out of the car - played some immaculate strokes before falling in the classical village fashion, the team smiled and laughed.

As Mikey made his best-ever cricket score with some delightful late cuts; as Neil left deliveries with the run rate nearing 30; as Scott borrowed Matt’s bat and broke it within two balls of his innings; the team rejoiced in the evening sun, revelling in the joy of playing this beautiful game.

Chris and our super-sub Lucas battled manfully, weathering spells from Newenden’s first team bowlers, but they, too, fell to the unrelenting opposition.
So when Kuts joined Johnners, unbeaten on his highest ever cricket score (and wielding the mighty Excalibur, no less), for the final ball of the innings, the required run rate sat at roughly 480 runs per over. Jeered by his regular Newenden team-mates fielding around him, he attempted the requisite slog for 6 to finish on a high, and his failure to connect summed up the day for us - ungainly but joyful; brave but futile.

The beautiful evening sun faded around the ground as the teams shook hands and shared a few beers outside the pavilion. The Knockers reflected on a curious game - one in which we’d never really threatened to win, despite our mightiest efforts. And yet, no man there had had anything less than an excellent day.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Knockers today,
Noble village wanderers!

GM

 

Batting

Batsman	How Out	4s	6s	Runs
Paul Seldon	caught	2	0	10
Gabe Musker	caught	3	0	12
Matt Landers	caught	7	0	36
James Thompson	caught	6	0	30
Lucas Piper	caught	2	0	10
Michael Sharpe	caught	5	0	22
Chris Bodill	caught	0	0	6
Neil Dave	bowled	0	0	0
Scott Landers	run out	4	0	16
James Johnstone	not out	2	0	8
Christian Kutner	not out	1	0	4

 

Bowling

Bowler	Overs	Mdns	Runs	Wkts
Christian Kutner	6.0	1	37	0
Michael Sharpe	5.0	0	44	1
Neil Dave	6.0	0	50	1
Chris Bodill	5.0	0	55	0
James Johnstone	4.0	0	36	1
Lucas Piper	2.0	0	13	0
Scott Landers	3.0	0	16	0

 

Match Photos